IN THE COOP

The rooster sings his song and then I get out of bed.
I go out to the outhouse, comb the hairs on my head.
Put on my overalls and then go out to the shed.
I fill a pail of oats so that the horse will get fed.
Then we have some fun, 'cause we go out to the coop,
And gather up the eggs, singing "boop-boop-be-doop."

The eggs are big or little, some are white, some are brown.
Some are shaped like ovals, ja, and some, they are round.
I lift up all the hens, so that the eggs will be found,
We load then in the truck, and then we sell them in town.
But before I finish, let me tell you the part
About the little shed where this episode starts.

CHORUS:
In the coop we keep the chickens,
In the coop, go like the dickens!
In the coop it's finger-lickin',
We gather up the eggs and then go back inside now.

SPOKEN:
Oh, I'm out of breath!
Swing down…
You guys sound like Myron Floren, wow!
When is it my turn?

You got to be careful when you go in the coop;
You're face down in the dirt if you trip on the stoop.
If you keep your mouth open, that's the worst of all crimes:
My brother dropped his gum, and thought he found it three times.
And watch it when the rooster takes a peck at your legs
When you're out a-gathering eggs.

Everybody dance! (If you know how)

Always remember Mylo's advice for chickens:
Don't break a shell, or you'll catch heck,
Don't be a schlep, please watch your step,
When you're in the coop!

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SEND IN THE COWS

SPOKEN:
This is a song writ by my papa, Reinie Hatzenbuhler.

Isn't it six? Ja, then we're late!
I'll fetch the pail and the stool; you get the gate.
Send in the cows.

Ain't you got school? Watch you mean, "not"?
Oh, ja, it's Saturday morning, I plum forgot!
Now where are the cows? We got to milk cows.

Just then I stepped in some cow pooh,
Making a big, ugly stain on my brand new work shoes.
And now the tops are still black, but the bottoms are brown.
That brings me down, and, boy, do they stink.

(Instrumental interlude)

Son of a gun, that cow kicked my head!
If he'd have kicked me much harder, I could be dead.
Now where was the cows? We got to milk cows.
It's almost 6:30.

This ain't no cow -- this one's a steer.
You screw up like that one more time and I'll box your ears!
Now where are the cows? We got to milk cows.
(mooing) Don't bother - they're here.

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ROAD FOOD BLUES

SPOKEN:
This is a number I wrote about how tough it is to travel … the "Road Food Blues."
Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Well, I'm sitting here almost dying; I need a friend so bad,
Just someone to take my order, someone to bring me some toast and coffee, ja.
I'm starving, I've got the road good blues (it's bad).
If I don't get some food real soon, I might just wind up eating my shoes.

Well, the waitress brought me water; she set the menu down.
She asked me if I wanted coffee, and then I think that she left town.
Oh, I'm starving - I shoulda ate before I left -
I've got the road food blues. (I'm really hungry)
If I don't get some food real soon, I might just wind up eating my shoes.

INSTRUMENTAL:
The band compliments Mylo on his solo

Well, my toast is cold, my coffee stinks, my hash browns are dripping wet.
My steak looks like a girlfriend that I'm trying to forget.
Ooh, I'm starving, ja, I've got the road food blues. (I need carbohydrates)
If I don't get some food real soon,
I might just wind up --
Ja, I might just wind up --
Oh, I'll even finish my vegetables --
Eating my shoes.

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COUNTRY BUS

Almost seven, got to hurry,
Eat my breakfast, and my face is dirty.
Go outside now; run down to the road
Where the bus is waiting to add me to the load.

CHORUS:
Country bus, come to us,
There's no worry. There's no fuss.
Go to school now, where we learn how.
Come to us, country bus.

We'll go driving all around the county,
Stop at Heusviens to pick up Joe and Suzie;
(Emma: That's our neighbors. Edna: Ja, they are, ja.)**
And when we're done driving all around
We'll go to the schoolhouse just outside of town.

CHORUS:
Country bus, come to us,
There's no worry. There's no fuss.
Go to school now, where we learn how.
Come to us, country bus.

I hear the horn, 'cause they're waiting in the driveway.
My mother tells me not to leave my sack lunch at home.
And driving down the road I get so happy that I start to sing,
Yes, I do, yes, I do.
(Emma: Ja! Edna: Sure!)

CHORUS:
Country bus, come to us,
There's no worry. There's no fuss.
(Emma & Edna: No, there isn't.)
Go to school now, where we learn how.
Come to us, country bus.

CHORUS:
Oh, country bus, come to us,
There's no worry. There's no fuss.
(Emma: There's a Holstein! Edna: Oh!)
Go to school now, where we learn how.
Come to us, country bus.
Ja, come to us, my country bus.
(Girls: There's a baler.)
Come to us, my country bus.
(Girls: Where's the driver?)
Come to us, my country bus.

**Background vocals by Mylo's wife Emma Schwartzenbauer-Hatzenbuhler and her sister, Edna Schwartzenbauer

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THE BALLAD OF NEW SALEM

Out in the west river town of New Salem I fell in love with a big metal cow.
Nighttime would find me up there on the hillside trying to milk her - I couldn't see how.

I bought a big bale of hay from a farmer; I thought if I fed her, then maybe she'd give.
I even went to an animal doctor to buy a potion that would make her live.

One day a wild young milkman drove in -- I think he was from Cass-Clay.
He grabbed her udder; she melted like butter; in no time at all, there was milk on the way.

So in anger I challenged his right for a place at the milk stool. Down came his hand from the teat that he squeezed.
My challenge was answered in less than a heartbeat: he squirted milk in my face, and I sneezed.

Just for a moment I stood there in silence, shocked by this wild, evil milkman I'd met.
Laughing and hooting, he drove down the hillside, leaving me there with my face dripping wet.
So I turned to go, but a voice called behind me: "Don't leave me, farmboy, I'm not empty yet!"

I turned around then and what did I see? a cow made of leather, not steel!
I saw in my panic she now was organic; this New Salem Holstein has just become real.

So in triumph I stood on my milkstool and hoisted the bucket - you see, her udder was so very high.
I started to pull, and the milk came a-flowing. One final squirt, and, "New Salem, goodbye, goodbye!"

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ROCK AROUND THE BARN

One, two, three, four o'clock rock!
Five, six seven, eight o'clock rock!
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve o'clock, rock!
We're going to rock around the barn tonight!

When the cows go "moo" and the sheep go "baa"
Then we'll have fun, oh, ja, ja, ja.

We're going to rock around the barn tonight,
Going to milk, milk, milk, to the left and right,
We're going to rock, going to rock around the barn tonight!

Put the feedbag on and start to pull;
It's time to milk, and that's no bull.

We're going to rock around the barn tonight,
Going to milk, milk, milk, to the left and right,
We're going to rock, going to rock around the barn tonight!
Hit it now!

One, two, three, four o'clock rock!
Five, six seven, eight o'clock rock!
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve o'clock, rock!
We're going to rock around the barn tonight!

When the neighbors come, we'll have some fun,
We'll push them off the loft and run.
We're going to rock around the barn tonight,
Going to milk, milk, milk, to the left and right,
We're going to rock, going to rock around the barn tonight!
Hit it!

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THE NIGHT THE COWS GOT LOOSE

SPOKEN:
Daddy was a farmer on the south side of Dakota, back in the good old days,
Back on the family farm.

In the heat of the summer night, in the land of Lawrence Welk,
Was the night that the cows got loose, and none was home to milk.
When Mylo went to school he knew he would be late,
So he hurried through his chores, but forgot to shut the gate.

CHORUS:
I heard my papa cry, I heard him cuss the night the cows got loose.
Mylo, what a night that really was; Darryl, what a night that really was,
Ay-ay-ay!
The night the cows got loose, my daddy cussed the night the cows got loose.
("Ach, du lieber, donnerwetter)**
Mylo, what a night that really was, Darryl, what a night that really was,
Ay-ay-ay.

When Mylo come back home, the cows was down the road,
And he got really scared, 'cause his papa would explode.
So he jumped up on the tractor and he drove out in the field.
He called out to the cows, but the cows, they would not yield.

I heard my papa cry, I heard him cuss the night the cows got loose.
("Ach, Mylo, lieber Zeit!")**
Mylo, what a night that really was; Darryl, what a night that really was,
Boy, oh boy.
The night the cows got loose, my daddy cussed the night the cows got loose.
Do-be-do-be-do…
Mylo, what a night that really was, Darryl, what a night that really was,
Ay-ay-ay.

We didn't find the cows. I searched all that I could.
And when we come back home…
Then, boy, I got it good!
'Cause daddy took me down, and threw me 'cross his lap,
Pulled off my overalls, and he beat me with the strap.

I heard my papa cry, I heard him cuss the night the cows got loose
(Lieber Elend, noch ein mal")**
Mylo, what a night that really was; Darryl, how sore my bottom was,
Ay-ay-ay!
The night the cows got loose, my daddy cussed the night the cows got loose.
(Ach, du lieber Strohsack!")**
Mylo, what a night that really was, Darryl, what a night that really was,
Ay-ay-ay.

The night the cows got loose, ja, ja, ja… the night the cows got loose.
The night the cows got loose, ja, ja, ja… the night the cows got loose.
Mylo, what a night that really was, Darryl, what a night that really was,
Ay-ay-ay.

**These are exclamations found in German speech, at least in North Dakota pioneer German speech. They are similar to our saying "good grief" or "Land sakes!" Translated, they don't mean much: "Ach, Du lieber Strohsack" literally means "Oh, my dear mattress!"

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MONOLOGUE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE

This is a discussion between Mylo and Greg Nelson, a Bismarck, ND native and well-known composer and record producer from Nashville, Tennessee. It took place at Belle Mehus Auditorium in Bismarck during one of a series of concerts commemorating North Dakota's statehood centennial 1989. Nelson was performing some musical impressions titled "North Dakota Scenes" when Mylo wandered onstage…

GREG NELSON: Could you just excuse me a second?
MYLO HATZENBUHLER: Is that what Nor' Dakota sounds like?
GN: I came all the way from Nashville to get harassed.
MH: It sounded more like Sou' Dakota to me.
GN: Well, I can tell that's there's really no need for me to play right now, is there?
MH: It wouldn't do you no good, they wouldn't pay no detention with me here.
GN: I think it would be safe to say that the mood has been kind of struck now.
MH: I was just going by here - my car busted, I got it up at the Standard station - and I was going to come down here to get a drink of water, and I heard the beautiful music, so I come in, and it was exciting. What a deal…you remind me of me.
GN: Why don't you just grab a seat down there?
MH: Oh, I can't.
GN: Why not?
MH: I didn't buy a ticket.
GN: Oh.
MH: I told them I was with you…what's with all the plants? Is Jimmy Swaggert coming in?
GN: We're kind of just discussing the centennial, the beauty of North Dakota, the memories…
MH: Well, then it's about time you got me here, 'cause I got as many memories as anybody else…
You know, I am Nor' Dakota's unofficial centennial rock & roll star.
GN: Oh is that right?
MH: Ja, that's right. It's exciting, too. It's a heavy mantle, but my broad shoulders are able to bear it up. Ja, this is exciting. Talking about the centennial, huh? You know, this is great, all these people gathered here, the orchestra and the music. It makes me think when I was young, and we would come into town in Strasburg - I'm from Strasburg, you know: Mylo Hatzenbuhler, Strasburg, Nor' Dakota 58573. That's my hometown. And we would go into town to the high school gym to watch the town band play. My favorite part of watching the town band was in the middle of the concert in when they'd stop and all empty the saliva out of their instruments. That was really interesting, because they was all violins…so what're you doing here?
GN: Oh, we're doing pretty good, really.
MH: Better now. This is exciting; you come back to Nor' Dakota to help us celebrate hunnert years.
GN: A hundred years, the centennial. There are lots of memories.
MH: Ja, that's for sure. You was in New Rockford, not?
GN: I was in New Rockford, yes, for…it was Founder's Day.
MH: Founder's…did they find her?
GN: No, they found her.
MH: And you found me!
GN: And I'm so glad! I don't really know how I just got right here.
MH: You know, I was almost up at that Founder's Day thing, you know.
GN: You were almost there?
MH: They had me booked. I was going to do disengagement there. Ja. But my bull broke his leg, and I had to rig a splint. Then it was too late to go.
GN: I see.
MH: Ja, and thinking about the centennial, you know, that fit right in with the remembrances and the things, thinking about our pred -presscede - you know, the people that was before us. I couldn't go to New Rockford, so I took my family, my wife and my daughter, and we come into town for a picnic.
GN: Where at?
MH: Family togetherness. We went to the cemetery. It's peaceful there.
GN: Yes, it's true. You'll have a nice, quiet meal there.
MH: They got a fence around it. I can't figure that out, 'cause nobody who's in it can get out, and nobody who's not in wants to go in. We had a nice time. We had a picnic lunch.
GN: Did you kind of look around…
MH: Ja…first we ate our lunch. We had Tombstone Pizza. Ja. And I was looking - I was looking as we went through the cemetery, we visited, and we did some study of the people what have gone before us in Strasburg, the dear departed, because you know our town is built on the backs and the hard work, the sweat and toil of many of those people who have now crossed over the other side and are with their Maker. Ja. That's right. So we was looking at things - and some of these people have been dead for 50, 60, 80 years or more. And we was looking at some of the descriptions on the tombstones
GN: Yes?
MH: It was interesting.
GN: What was on it?
MH: Well, I writ some of them down. It was quite interesting, you know. There was one from old Schickelgruber - did you know him?
GN: No.
MH: Cheapest guy in town. He's been dead a long time. Here: their son died in…infancy…
It said:

"Beneath this stone our baby lies;
He neither cries nor hollers.
He lived on earth just twenty days,
And cost us thirty dollars."

GN: I mean, that's not good to read! That's a - that was on a tombstone?
MH: Well, you had to know Schickelgruber.
GN: Oh, okay.
MH: See, he was a very wealthy man, but he had a reputation as kind of a miser. The guy from the newspaper came down to interview him once, because he was the richest guy in town. He had money, you know, more than he knew what to do with, but he was really tight with it. He would not spend it on nothing. Oh, it was really something. He had three kids…and he would give them each a dime to go spend the next day right before bad, and then while they was sleeping he'd take it out of their pockets, and the next morning he'd whip 'em for losing the money. He was like that. The newspaper guy come down to interview him and said, "Tell me the story of how you gained your wealth." And it was evening, and Schickelgruber said, "Well, it's a long story, and since we have no need of light while I'm talking, I'll blow out the candle." And the reporter said, "You don't have to say no more." You know, we read the tombstones. It was exciting. There was one on a woman's tomb.
It said:

"Tears cannot restore her;
Therefore I weep."

Then there was a double grave in one spot with a big stone to cover them all. You know, like those twin beds with the one headboard like on "I Love Lucy?" It said - it was a man and wife buried together; they didn't die at the same time.
It said:

"Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I.
When the last loud trump shall blow,
If she gets up, I'll just lie low."

And there was other things on there too, you know. There was one from a woman married a long time. And her husband put a tombstone up.
It said:

"She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life."

GN: Thank you so much.
MH: It was exciting. Ja.
GN: Now, one other thing. I am familiar with your work. I know you are also a songwriter.
MH: Not as famous as you, though.
GN: I know there's been other hits that you've had, I remember…
MH: Oh, ja! They're too numerous to mention.
GN: Do you have two that you like particularly well?
MH: Oh, ja. "I Milk the Cows" is my favorite.
GN: "I Milk the Cows." And then another cow song that you did I like -
MH: I got cow songs - "You Must Have Been a Beautiful Heifer."
GN: Well, it's been nice that you could be here tonight.
MH: Thank you. I thought so, too.
GN: I hope you have a great evening. You're welcome to go out there, and - because we have to play some music…
MH: Oh…okay.
GN: You're not gonna go?
MH: What?
GN: You don't want to go?
MH: Should I play one before I go?
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Yes!
MH: See? They're -
GN: Don't encourage him!
MH: Thanks, Mom! That was my mother.
GN: You do have a song?
MH: Oh, if you're talking about nostalgia, I got one that reaches way back.
GN: Okay. Okay, I'll let you. But it better be good.

MH: (sitting down at a grand piano): Boy, this is a big thing. I should have my brother Darryl here. He plays pinano better than I do. He was born to play the pinano. You can just tell by looking at him. Every other finger is black. I'll do my best.

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THE GREEN, GREEN GRASS OF HOME

My old back yard looks the same as I step out in the rain,
And there to greet me is my hound dog and the silo.
Down the path I walk to the old two-holer.
I sure am glad it ain't no colder
As I walk across the green, green grass of home.

My outhouse is still standing with the half-moon on the door,
And there's that great big painted plank I love to sit on.
When I sit in there, there's never many -
Just me and God, and J.C. Penney,
And around me grows the green, green grass of home.

Then I stand up and look around me at all the corncobs that surround me
And I realize: I'm glad it's not December.
When it's cold out, I try not to shiver,
'Cause when I do, I get a sliver!
And I bleed all over the green, green grass of home.

Every now and then I just don't make it -
Sometimes my kidneys just can't take it -
And that's why we have such green, green grass at home.

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BORN AT THE PCA

My parents went to see a loan officer one fine day
To try to get a loan so they could plant some hay.
But while they was talking 'bout capital gains,
My mama started having some labor pains. I was…

Born at the P.C.A., I was born at the P.C.A.
Born at the P.C.A, ja!

Well, my daddy called the doctor, and he said, "Stay calm!
I gotta go cure a pig on another farm."
He said, "Go out and boil some water, and buy some clean sheets."
The P.C.A. man said, "You should keep the receipts." I was…

Born at the P.C.A., I was born at the P.C.A.
I got my first loan before they took me away.
I was born at the P.C.A.

I was born in the office, on the manager's couch.
They had to send me home in an extra mail pouch.
Ja, the doctor was delayed. He got there too late.
But at least papa got a low interest rate. I was…

Born at the P.C.A., I was born at the P.C.A.
Now I've got this loan that I just can't pay.
I was born at the P.C.A., ja!
Hoo boy!
This is more fun than a polka!
Whoo!
Rock me down…

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